The Whole Megillah – A Purim Rap
by Steve and Doug Cotler ©2001
www.dougcotler.com

Listen, listen, listen to this ancient story.
It’s a little bit funny and a little bit gory.
It’s a little bit scary and little bit tense.
It’s a crazy, mixed-up series of events.

It starts with a king who was not too sharp.
You might say he was a few strings short of a harp.
You might say he was a tricked by an evil man
With a nasty, filthy, dirty plan.

Now the bad guy would have killed the Jews,
If the heroes hadn’t stood up and said, “You lose!”
If the heroes hadn’t stopped him,
tell the Jews good-bye,
Sayonara, adios, everyone’s gonna die,
Kick the bucket, buy a ticket to a place in the sky
The heroes were Esther and Mordechai

REFRAIN
This megillah…
It’s a thrilla.
Shriek and shout
Don’t sit stilla…

Groggers grind.
Cymbals crash.
It’s a bash. Eat a stash of Homentash…
Dress up strange
Glad you came
And each time you hear his name,
You get to scream and yell
Haman!

Mort was Esther’s uncle. She became the king’s wife,
>From orphan to queen where she risked her own life.
She set the record straight, told the king what was true,
Told the king what was shaking, told him what to do.

And the villain who had puffed himself up so tall
Learned the higher you fly, the farther you fall.
Like a rock down a well, he was dead and gone.
But I haven’t even started and I’m rambling on.

So let me take you back to the ancient days,
To the kingdom of Persia with its ancient ways,
To the palace of the king, Achasveros by name
Who was eating and drinking and feeling no pain,
Cause he ruled from India to Ethiope,
Not bad for a guy who was such a dope.

REFRAIN
This megillah…
It’s a thrilla.
Shriek and shout
Don’t sit stilla…

Groggers grind.
Cymbals crash.
It’s a bash. Eat a stash of Homentash…
Dress up strange
Glad you came
And each time you hear his name,
You get to scream and yell
Haman!

Drunk and stupid and looking for a grin
He yelled, “Hey Vashti, let’s see some skin!”
But the queen refused. “I’m not dancing nude
For you or your buddies. You are way too crude!
No bump, no grind, no jitterbug jig
Especially for a royal male chauvinist pig.”

Now the king would’ve let the whole matter drop
But his buddies said, “This has got to stop.”
“If you let that woman disobey what you say
Then all of our wives’ll wanna act the same way.

So he dissed her,
Dismissed her,
Brought her down
And staged a Miss Persia pageant all over town,
A beauty contest to pick a new queen
And that’s how Esther came on the scene.

But here’s where the plot gets a little bit screwish…
On Uncle Mort’s advice she doesn’t say that she’s Jewish

REFRAIN
This megillah…
It’s a thrilla.
Shriek and shout
Don’t sit stilla…

Groggers grind.
Cymbals crash.
It’s a bash. Eat a stash of Homentash…
Dress up strange
Glad you came
And each time you hear his name,
You get to scream and yell
Haman!

With Esther as Queen, the king settles down.
But something is rotten in Shushan town.
A couple of hoods with a grudge or two
Decide to assassinate the King. Boo-hoo.

Now I don’t know how, the record’s not too clear
But Mordechai, remember him?, he overhears
And tells the cops, who arrest these perps
Bigthan and Theresh, a couple of twerps.

It’s over so quick, and you know what’s rotten,
No reward for Morty. And it’s all forgotten.

Meanwhile, the villain gets appointed Prime Minister.
Just the wrong job for a Shmo so sinister
His first decree? Everyone in town
Must now bow down and scrape the ground.

REFRAIN
This megillah…
It’s a thrilla.
Shriek and shout
Don’t sit stilla…

Groggers grind.
Cymbals crash.
It’s a bash. Eat a stash of Homentash…
Dress up strange
Glad you came
And each time you hear his name,
You get to scream and yell
Haman!

But Mordechai, will only bow to GOD,
Not to some puffbag, ragtag clod
The bad guy steams and screams and shrieks
But Morty shrugs, and the villain freaks.

It’s sad–
That cad–
feels had–
He’s mad–
He opens up a can of super-bad
He sings the blues. He blows a fuse.
And makes the king say, “Kill all Jews!”

Lots are cast, a day’s selected
And everyone’s walking around all dejected
Till a light bulb flashes in Morty’s bean
And he runs to his niece, “Hey! You’re the queen.
Tell the king he’s got to intervene.”
But Esther, she’s knows if she makes the scene
Without a signed — sealed invitation
The king’ll go nuts and yell “Decapitation!”

But this girl’s got guts. She plans a big party
Invites the King and Mister Smarty!

REFRAIN
This megillah…
It’s a thrilla.
Shriek and shout
Don’t sit stilla…

Groggers grind.
Cymbals crash.
It’s a bash. Eat a stash of Homentash…
Dress up strange
Glad you came
And each time you hear his name,
You get to scream and yell
Haman!

Delighted he’s invited, You-Know-Who leaves court
Swaggering home has words with Mort.
Angered to a tizzy, rigs a hangman’s noose.
“Tomorrow with the sunrise, I’m kicking his caboose.”

Nightfall. Starlight. The king can’t sleep.
“Read to me. Calm my mind. Nothing very deep.”
Then he learns that Mordechai never was rewarded
“He saved my life? I never knew. Why wasn’t this reported?”

Then Mr. Evil, hanging out, hears his king say, “Nu?
“I want to honor such a man, I wonder what to do.”

Now this is where the story turns, the butter churns, the biscuit burns
This is where the plot gets thick, the pulse gets quick, and here’s the kick
Mr. Repulsive thinks the king means him.
“Of course,
you’ll want to dress a horse,
in jewels and in your robes of gold
Parade this man through town. Behold,
You’ll want all men to show respect
For him, your most revered subject

REFRAIN
This megillah…
It’s a thrilla.
Shriek and shout
Don’t sit stilla…

Groggers grind.
Cymbals crash.
It’s a bash. Eat a stash of Homentash…
Dress up strange
Glad you came
And each time you hear his name,
You get to scream and yell
Haman!

“Si Si senor” says the royal dunce
“That’s a great idea. We must do it at once.
Tomorrow at dawn you will take my steed
My robes of gold, and you shall lead
A cavalcade with Mordechai sitting pretty
Up and down the streets of my capital city.”

The scoundrel was angry. He cussed and spat.
He jumped up and down on his three-cornered hat.
Not Mordechai! I meant me. I’m the one.
But the king had spoken. And here’s the fun:

The next day as they paraded- through the hood,
The bad guy’s daughter thought I’ll do some good.
And thinking she was spilling stuff on Mordechai’s head
Dropped stinky smelly sewage on her father instead.

But the King still said that death for all the Jews would be just fine
So Esther guessed her time had come and said, “I’ll change his mind”
She told him Hebrew homies were her very own crowd
“I have chosen to expose and I’ll shout it out loud.
I am a Jew and the murderous plan
Is a twisted, evil scheme from a twisted, evil man.”

So the Jews were saved,
and the bad guy hung
On the gallows he built to see Mordechai swung

REFRAIN
This megillah…
It’s a thrilla.
Shriek and shout
Don’t sit stilla…

Groggers grind.
Cymbals crash.
It’s a bash. Eat a stash of Homentash…
Dress up strange
Glad you came
And each time you hear his name,
You get to scream and yell
Haman!

That’s the story of Purim, an old story, and yet,
We party today so we don’t forget,
That in every life, God’s in the scene
>From brave Mordechai to Esther the Queen.
And when times get tough and rough and grim…..
You should never, never, ever, give up or give in.

REFRAIN
This megillah…
It’s a thrilla.
Shriek and shout
Don’t sit stilla…

Groggers grind.
Cymbals crash.
It’s a bash. Eat a stash of Homentash…
Dress up strange
Glad you came
And each time you hear his name,
You get to scream and yell
Haman!

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Posted in Holidays, Purim, Stories